the hardest things to accept

 the truth is; the hardest facts to accept are; the world is a nasty place. and it will beat you down and wear you out. and I myself, have accepted the fact; I have trouble that follows me everywhere. a bad case of bad luck. what keeps me surviving that trials and tribulations of that is faith. keeping my faith strong and alive no matter what I face along my path. 

I have battled homelessness, a dysfunctional life for 90% of the time I have been alive. even battled the critics and the judge-mental while in recovery for substance; trust me. things didn't get better. it was like a karmic curse has been brought down on me. and I finally realize that. I accepted it. what I can do is just try be a good person person about what ever I come face to face with. 

I am not looking for it. but I am addressing it. I finally came to term's I do not trust a soul connecting to mine. the trauma is there. the trauma of betrayal. it is built in my mind that everyone I will meet friend or possible relationship will eventually betray me in some weird of fascinating way that I don't really get surprised about it.

what I do watch out for is how much a person can be so intimate; perfect with affection, intimacy and trust. I also watch out for how some one wants to get to me and understand me. its becoming very real that I don't trust any human bonds what so ever. its built in my head that they either want something from me or to do something for them. 

I know I am a good person. I keep that integrity intact. I take responsibility for my actions and I am very cautious with making decisions. I am not perfect and I am aware of that. human error is common; and it is dangerous and I understand that now. the solution I made for myself has I battle another bout of homelessness is not to lower my guard and walls for everyone. I mean I am not about thinking everyone and everything is out to get me. I just watch for certain ways; trained my mind to watch out for certain interactions based on my trial and error of losing friendships and relationships along the way.

I've came to accept I most likely won't have another friend along the way to depend on. its just me and my self and I. like that denzel washington movie where he is fighting to protect his faith and copy of the bible. funny! I sit there and smirk about it. its only faith keeping me alive now. what I mean about faith and keeping it alive. I am not expecting some kind of savior to beam a light down and save me from uncertain faith; it means I am ready to accept any out come that this feeling of a karmic curse will eventually beat me along the road. my faith isn't detailed or mapped out for me like that. I don't depend on hero's because hero's don't exist in this life of dysfunctionality and repeated bouts of homelessness; and acceptance of betrayal and deception. I realize a few weakness in my character. I trust to easy; I am very kind; and I have a soft spot for people who have possibly or say they have an understanding of what I have been through in life.

I know I am a strong human; I am living with type 2 diabetes and a few mental health issues. I am positive in my ability to stay positive and strong; in whatever happens along the way. very confident and that is not speaking with pride and ego. it is speaking with a focus, a will and a dependency of I will not fear the unknown. my faith is spiritual. and only I know that now. that is the key source that is going to keep me alive till I am old and face my time to leave the physical realm of this harsh game we call life.

they always tell me; "you will find a good partner in a church community." I have never tried that because I hold that in to good account that I should respect someone at a church who is there to participate in what ever ritual they are doing for themselves. and in active recovery; I respect those who were fighting to stay sober another 24. its all about respect for me when I walk this path of life. I hold that firmly and strong in my heart; my mind; my spirit alongside with my dependence on faith and spirituality.

one of the things I learnt upon discovering in creating a higher power was to never enforce it another person. I keep that strong in my mind. its all about respecting another person's view and opinion. 

the hardest things to accept; is that I have to stay firm; stay positive and stay strong; there is a brighter day tomorrow.